Muggle Movies 02: The Chamber
by GNess
Summary: The kids are off to the films again where the girls are in love with Draco, the boys are getting along, and the teachers aren't taking points. It's like an alternate universe.
1. I'd Rather See James Bond

Muggle Movies 2: The Chamber

Part One: I'd Rather See James Bond

****

Professor Albus Dumbledore sat in his large oval office going through some old essays and chuckling to himself. He was so pleased with the results of his first field trip to a Muggle film that he was very keen to do it again. With the release of "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" to theaters in a matter of days, he would have the opportunity to strengthen house relations once again. Professors McGonagall and Snape enter the office.

DUMBLEDORE: Ah, Severus and Minerva. Do have a seat.

McGONAGALL: (Sitting) Albus, what are you planning?

SNAPE: (grumpily) I hope it's not another bloody field trip. I was so exhausted after taking so many points away in such a short period of time.

DUMBLEDORE: (chuckling) Serverus, I'm sure you can withstand it, it is for the greater good of the school, after all. The second installment of J.K. Rowling's fine work is hitting theaters on Friday. I want us to chaperon the students once again.

McGONAGALL: (glaring at Severus and then looking at Dumbledore) I, for one, think that is a wonderful idea.

SNAPE: (muttering) Headmaster's Pet.

McGONAGALL: Watch your step, Severus, you sound like Malfoy.

DUMBLEDORE: I would like to invite Misters Potter, Weasley and Malfoy along with Miss Granger, Miss Weasley and Miss Parkinson.

McGONAGALL: Why Miss Weasley?

  
DUMBLEDORE: (smiling) Because she's in this film and it seems only fair.

SNAPE: Well, why Miss Parkinson?

DUMBLEDORE: We need more than one Slytherin for it to be at least a little equal, don't you think?

****

Both McGonagall and Snape nod in agreement.

DUMBLEDORE: I'd appreciate it if you'd alert your students and we'll meet in the Great Hall Friday morning after the first class. We'll grab a portkey to London and try to get the noon o'clock show.

McGONAGALL: (carefully) I don't think the expression noon o'clock is correct, Albus.

DUMBLEDORE: (has gone temporarily deaf and is digging around his desk for some lemon drops.)

****

The five fifth years and one fourth year trudged into the Great Hall in apprehension. Malfoy was worried about having to do some sort of project with the Wonder Trio; the Wonder Trio were worried about getting detention for getting food from the kitchens the previous night. Pansy was blissfully oblivious, and Ginny was merely curious.

RON: Hermione, didn't I read in that Muggle magazine last week of yours that the new Harry Potter film is coming out soon? Maybe that's what this is about.

DRACO: (scoffs) Why would there be a meeting concerning THAT?  


HERMIONE: I think that's entirely possible, Ron. (squeal) I hope it is! I'm dying to see it!

PANSY: (giggles slightly) More Sean Biggerstaff!  
  
HERMIONE: WOOOOO! (high fives Pansy)

GINNY: Ah…what?

HERMIONE: I'll explain later, Gin. Borrow the books from Ron if you want more information.

RON: (grinning widely) The books are bloody brilliant. So accurate.

HARRY: (bitterly) Yes. But I'm not sure I want to see this new edition.

DRACO: Why ever not? Since when does famous Harry Potter not want to be a part of his own fan club?

****

They reached the Great Hall and went inside. Professors Snape, McGonagall and Dumbledore are standing across the room, waiting.

DUMBLEDORE: (smiling) We have quite a surprise for all of you.

DRACO: (muttering) Oh, good Lord.

HARRY: (elbows Draco) Shut up, Malfoy.

DRACO: (sneers) Shut up, Potter.

HERMIONE: Oh PLEASE don't start this again!

SNAPE: (clearing throat) Points, boys, points.

****

Harry and Draco move away from each other, knowing full well that Snape could easily take fifty billion points from both houses in a matter of minutes.

RON: (excited and bouncing up and down) Are we going to see The Chamber of Secrets, Professor?

McGONAGALL: Yes, Weasley, we are.

GINNY: (confused) What are we doing?

PANSY: (squealing) We're going to see the new Harry Potter Muggle film! SEAN BIGGERSTAFF!

GINNY: (giving odd looks to Pansy) Uh…yeah. Got that much. But why am I going?

DUMBLEDORE: Your character, Ginny, is in the film. I thought you might like to see it.

RON: You'll love it, Gin! It's incredible! To see yourself up on the big screen…(sighs wistfully) It's bloody brilliant, sis.

Ginny shrugs and nods. Draco raises a hand and Dumbledore nods at him.

DRACO: Are we going today?

SNAPE: (nods) Yes, Mr. Malfoy. In fact…we're going right now.

RON: WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO! (punches air with fist) Let's go!

HERMIONE: (shaking head) Ron…ah what the hell. WOOO!

HARRY: (rolls eyes) This is gonna be interesting.

DRACO: I'll say. I'm with you, Potter. Let's bag on this mission.

****

Dumbledore waves a hand and a book pops into his hand. It is "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" by JK Rowling. He holds it out to everyone.

DUMBLEDORE: Come along, everyone. Put a finger on the book and we'll go to London. Oh. (he pulls his wand from his pocket) We must wear Muggle clothes.

With a wave of his wand, all of the children and students are dressed in popular Muggle fashions. 

Harry and Ron are both wearing faded jeans and turtleneck sweatshirts (Harry in green; Ron in maroon, much to his chagrin.) Draco is put into loose fitted black leather pants and a gray turtleneck sweater that matches his eyes. He seems very happy with his attire. All three boys are wearing black combat-type boots. Hermione wears a plaid skirt which goes a little above her knee with gray knee socks and a matching white t-shirt which says "MAGIC" on it in bold, black letters and over that is a navy blue sweater that ties around the waist. Ginny is wearing something quite similar except her t-shirt says "STAR" and her skirt goes down to her ankles. Pansy is quite content in her black mini skirt with t-shirt and dark denim jacket. Dumbledore and Snape are both wearing pleaded khaki pants with button up lumberjack type flannel shirts and McGonagall has on a very kindergarten teacher-ish dress.

****

Moments later, they all arrive in front of a large theater in the middle of London.

PANSY: (cooing) You look lovely, Drac.

DRACO: (plucking at his sweater) Yeah, I look hot.

  
HARRY: (rolling his eyes) Please don't make me lose my lunch.

RON: We haven't HAD lunch.

GINNY: Don't worry, Harry. You look fine too. (blush)

  
HARRY: (blusing) Er----thanks.

DUMBLEDORE: Come, children. Let's go get our tickets before the line lengthens.

The line was comprised mainly of school-age children and their mothers. Everyone was staring at the Hogwarts group, but the group didn't notice. Snape did, he was thoroughly uncomfortable at all the stares and gawking.

DRACO: (in line behind McGonagall and Snape, beside Pansy) Couldn't we see something worthwhile, like James Bond?

  
HERMIONE: (behind him) How do you know about James Bond? It's a Muggle film…

DRACO: Well, last time we were here, you mentioned him…so I went home on the summer holidays and rented all of his movies from the Muggle film store in my town. I even rented one of those televisioney things with VTR.

HARRY: Television and VCR. 

DRACO: Whatever. Can't we just see James Bond?  
  
RON: If you'll notice, Draco, it's not playing right now. (points to list of movies playing)

DRACO: (sadly) Oh. Bloody hell.

HERMIONE: I don't care what you say, I want to see The Chamber of Secrets.

DRACO: Only because you fancy what's-his-face…the one with the scar.

HERMIONE: (hotly) Daniel Radcliffe, and I don't fancy him.

  
PANSY: (nodding) She's telling the truth. She fancies Sean….duh.

RON: You've been watching too many American Muggle things. 

PANSY: What? I have not.

GINNY: I am so out of it. I have no idea what any of you are talking about.

  
DRACO: Is this a new development?

GINNY: Oh, shut up.

DRACO: Gladly.

DUMBLEDORE: AH! Here we go. (Hands everyone a ticket) Now, let's go in and we'll all pick out some snacks and find good seats….in the back. We don't want to annoy the other film patrons like last year.

McGONAGALL: I fully agree. (nods and ushers children inside building)

Everyone gets in the long line for snacks. As if by magic, the Hogwarts group is in the front.

DRACO: I want some Twizzlers…those were bloody good.

RON: Me too, those are good.

SNAPE: (quietly) I don't know if I can take much more of them bickering and then agreeing. It's reeking havoc on my mind, trying to keep track of all the points I take off.

McGONAGALL: Don't take any off, then.

SNAPE: Blasphemy!

McGONAGALL: Oh, please.

DUMBLEDORE: (changing subject) Snacks! Yum! (lifts one tray full of movie-type snacks and walks towards theater door…McGonagall, Ginny and Hermione follow)

SNAPE: Malfoy, grab that other tray. Potter, you take one too.

****

The two boys pick up the trays, surprisingly without comments. It seems the group has gotten about a hundred dollars worth of food.

Everyone settles into their seats as follows:

Snape, Draco, Pansy, McGonagall

Dumbledore, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny

It seems that this movie outing was going to go similarly like the other.

Oh, if only. It was going to be MUCH worse.

  
----------

Obviously, I'll continue this when the movie actually comes out LOL. Until then…ah…wait? Yeah. Wait. If you want to know when I post the next bit, (it'll probably be like the 18th at the earliest. I do have to see the movie first.) then send an email to gness-subscribe@yahoogroups.com…that'll subscribe you to my update list.


	2. The Hilarious Weasleys

Muggle Movies 2: The Chamber

Part Two: The Hilarious Weasleys

****

Random film facts play across the screen…as well as advertisements.

HERM: (conversationally) So, Pansy, did you know that the actor playing Tom Riddle is really, really good looking?

PANSY: Er, no. But is he has hot as Sean Biggerstaff?  
  
HERM: It's debatable, I'm sure.

PANSY: And, we shall debate.

  
HERM: Yes, yes, we shall. At some point if the film starts before I grow old enough not to care.

PANSY: It is splendid if he is as hot. Because then there's more eye candy!

RON: (to Harry) Did Pansy just say 'splendid' and 'eye candy'?

HARRY: (quietly) 'Fraid so. (Shudder)

DRACO: (mockingly) Potter, did you know that the actress playing little Weasley is actually attractive? In a young Weasley sort of way.

GINNY: (reddening) I'd watch your mouth if I were you.

DRACO: (Smiling) Oh, I AM watching your mouth.

RON: (menacingly) Watch it, Malfoy…

DRACO: (smoothly) Oh, chill, Weasley.

SNAPE: Gentlemen. May I remind you. Points.

McGONAGALL: Oh, honestly, Severus.

  
DUMBLEDORE: (chuckles) Oh look! The previews!

****

Previews begin.

  
RON: (rather loudly) WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The entire theatre laughs and the lights dim.

Ten minutes later…

RON: Bloody hell, I hate previews.

DRACO: Could have fooled me with that great show of idiocy and the "WOOOOOO!" before.

GINNY: Hey, Malfoy? How much gel did you put in your hair this morning? A bucket?

DRACO: (haughtily) No, I used a hair charm. Why, d'you want some?

  
GINNY: (arms across chest and sulking) Hardly.

DRACO: (airily) Well, the offer stands.

HERMIONE: (gasp) Draco! 

DRACO: (innocently) What?

HERMIONE: That statement had sexual undertones in it!  
  
McGONAGALL: Miss Granger, lower your voice please.

SNAPE: Or I will take points. (glares at McGonagall, who glares back)

RON: Shut up, you lot---

SNAPE: (angrily) Mr. Weasley, do not tell your teachers to 'shut up'.

RON: (ignoring Snape) It's starting! WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!

Since the rest of the theater agrees with this sentiment, nobody cares that he's made so much noise.

__

Harry Potter music plays…clouds appear, then the opening title: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Before the camera pans onto a bunch of houses.

DRACO: (blandly) Oh look. A Muggle village. (fake yawn)

HARRY: It's a neighborhood.

DRACO: I don't---- (cut off)

HERMIONE: (gasping scream) DANIEL RADCLIFFE!

__

Shows the Dursley's home, more precisely Harry's bedroom. He's sitting at his desk looking at something. Camera pans inside. We see what he's looking at. It's his photo album. With a photo of he and his parents and then one of he, Ron and Hermione.

PANSY: (squealing) YEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Daniel! (calmly) What's he doing?

DRACO: (sarcastically) Something dramatic, no doubt.

HERMIONE: He's flipping through a photo album. Awww, look. It's he, Emma and Rupert from the last film. How sweet.

__

Hedwig (owl) making odd hooting noises and trying desperately to get out of cage.

Harry: I can't let you out, Hedwig.

DRACO: Your owl is having a spaz attack.

HARRY: (angrily) I'd like to see YOU cooped up for an entire summer in a teeny cage with nothing to eat except left over soup.

__

Vernon Dursley: HARRY POTTER!

Harry: (to owl) Now you've done it. (gets up)

RON: (excitedly) Is this how your second year really started?

HARRY: (boredly) Not exactly.

  
DUMBLEDORE: (to Harry) Are you alright, Harry? Too much candy?

HARRY: (sitting up straight) No, sir. I'm just not too keen to relive this particular year.

DUMBLEDORE: (kindly) Understandable. You can leave at any time.

__

Vernon: And where will YOU be?

Harry: I'll be upstairs in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending I don't exist.

HERMIONE: (squealing like a teenage girl) He's so cute!!! What good acting!!

DRACO: (rolling eyes) And so it begins again.

PANSY: (not taking eyes off screen.) Don't worry, Drac. Tom does you justice.

HERMIONE: (nodding) And then some.

****

Draco raises an eyebrow, but says nothing.

GINNY: (quietly) I didn't realize Harry would be so cute on screen.

HERMIONE: (sincerely) I know, isn't he? So different from real life.

  
HARRY: (sarcastically) Well, that's hardly a compliment.

  
_Dobby is jumping up and down on Harry's bed making weird happy noises._

Harry: Who are you?

RON: Shhh! Look at Dobby!

__

Dobby: I am Dobby the house elf, sir.

  
DRACO: God, Potter. Get my filthy house elf off your clean bed. And PLEASE make it stop with those odd euphoric sounds. It's creepy.

Harry: Not to be rude or anything, but this isn't a GREAT time to have a house elf in my bedroom.

DRACO: Nor is anytime.

GINNY: Dobby is really quite odd looking, and wears a tragically ugly tea cosy. I've never actually seen a house elf in real life.

DRACO: You wouldn't have, would you. Only rich people have them.

****

Ginny glares at the back of his head angrily.

PANSY: SHHHHH! Draco! Daniel's being cute!

HERMIONE: Oh yes he is!

__

Dobby slams head against desk drawers quite a bit. Harry tries, unsuccessfully to stop him. Vernon storms upstairs.

DRACO: (getting excited) Oh you're in for it now! Maybe some flogging?

HARRY: Oh, do shut up.

SNAPE: If I weren't enjoying this film so much, I'd take points. Don't think I won't.

__

Vernon: And get that door fixed!

PANSY: For a Gryffindor with a very unfortunate scar - he's cute!

  
DRACO: I've really never seen many Muggles, Potter - okay, none - but that dolt of a cousin is rather large.

  
HARRY: (half nod) He's larger now, unfortunately. 

DRACO: (makes odd face) I actually feel sorry for you. (gasp)

****

Hermione, Pansy, Ron and Dumbledore (along with most of the rest of the theater) laugh as Mrs. Mason is creamed by the pudding.

RON: (sadly) And that was such a lovely pudding, too. Blast.

HARRY: I wonder who's side you're on. If you'll note, Dobby has just gotten my arse kicked.

DRACO: (pointing at screen) No, he's gotten bars on your window. That Dursley character is like my father. Are we---(gulp) related?

SNAPE: I assure you, you're not.

DRACO: Well, of course not. I am so much more attractive.

DUMBLEDORE: But, see what this film is doing for them once more? Bringing them together.

  
**Snape rolls his eyes and turns back to the screen.**

__

Vernon is putting bars on Harry's bedroom window as Harry looks on.

Vernon: Let's see you try to get letters to those freaky friends of yours now.

DRACO: I, sadly, agree with him on that. You DO have freaky friends.

****

Hermione and Ron are too engrossed in the movie to care.

__

Harry is asleep but suddenly wakes up at odd noise coming from outside. Puts his glasses on and crosses to the window. Off in the distance, two lights appear that turn into headlights and then a blue Ford Angelia flying, carrying George, Fred and Ron Weasley appears in front of his barred window.

Ron: Hi Harry!

Harry: Ron, Fred, George…what are you doing?

Ron: Rescuing you of course. 

PANSY: Wow, Rupert's voice is so much lower. It's lovely.

Ron gives her an odd look that she does not see since she's watching the screen intently as Harry shoves his trunk into the back of the Weasleys' car.

GINNY: (yelp and gulp) Oh, God.

HERMIONE: (worriedly) What? Too many Sweedish Fish?

GINNY: No. (gulp again) Thank Merlin, screen Ron doesn't look much like REAL Ron.

DRACO: Oh yes, good call. We'd all throw up if he looked like the real Weasley. (Ron gives him a death glare)

GINNY: No, because…Rupert, is it?…he's CUTE!

__

Vernon: Petunia! He's escaping!

HERMIONE: Yes, he is. When this is over, I'll give you his fact file.

RON: (incredulous) You HAVE a fact file? And, I'm not hot?!

DRACO: Obviously you don't believe in mirrors, or you would know.

RON: Shut up, Malfoy.

SNAPE: (warningly) Points.

McGONAGALL: (also warningly) Boys.

__

Vernon pulls at Harry as Ron pulls him into the car. The car takes off and Vernon looses his grip, falling out of the window and into the bushes.

****

Draco, Harry and Ron all laugh heartily.

__

Ron: By the way, Harry. Happy Birthday.

DRACO: (stonily) Touching.

HERMIONE: Shut up, he's hot.

McGONAGALL: Miss Granger.

SNAPE: Points.

RON: (quietly to Harry) I hope Snape says more than 'points' sometime.

HARRY: I don't. 'Cause then he'd be actually TAKING points and we don't want that.  
  
RON: (grinning) True.

__

The car is flying out of the sky towards a lop-sided house that is undoubtedly the Weasley home in Ottery St. Catchpole. The car glides to the ground, swerving out of the way of a pig pen.  
  
DRACO: Weasley, you have PIGS?  
  
RON: (blushing) No, not actually. We have chickens.

__

The boys are going inside the house quietly. Either Fred or George is shushing all of them.

DRACO: Odd door.

GINNY: Yes, it is.

Draco glances at her with an eyebrow raised. She stares straight ahead.

__

Harry, Ron, Fred and George are inside the Weasley kitchen which is small but homey. Dishes are being magically washed in the sink. Ron, Fred and George all pick up buns of some sort from the kitchen table and begin eating them claiming "Mum won't notice" and Harry goes into the living room where something is being knitted by itself. We see the Weasley clock, which is saying that Ron, Fred and George are now home.

DRACO: That's a bloody brilliant clock. (leans forward) I want one.

RON: (gasp) Wooooooooooooow.

HARRY: Don't say anything. He might be pleasant for awhile. (pause) I love the Weasley clock!

DUMBLEDORE: (quietly) At last, Harry is with us.

__

Mrs. Weasley comes down the stairs and begins screaming at the boys.   
Mrs. Weasley: Where HAVE you been!? Beds empty, no note! Of course I don't blame you, Harry.

Ron: But they were starving him! There were bars on his window! (Harry nods)

DRACO: (grinning) Potter's speechless!  
  
HARRY: I spoke too soon about him maybe being pleasant.

__

Mrs. Weasley: You better hope I don't put bars on YOUR window, Ron Weasley!  
Ron gulps and Mrs. Weasley turns to Harry pleasantly.

Mrs. Weasley: How about a spot of breakfast?

DRACO: (laughing mirthlessly) Weasley! Your mum is hilarious!

HARRY: (quietly gasping) Something pleasant…sort of.

RON: (shrugs) It could be worse. He could be making comments about her 'plumpness'

DRACO: Don't think I won't. Also, stop being stupid Gryffindors. I can hear what you're saying.

__

Ginny flies down the stairs in her pajamas and stands in front of the breakfast table, where Mrs. Weasley is heaping food onto Harry's plate.

Ginny: Mum, do you know where my jumper is?

Mrs. Weasley: Yes, it was on the cat.

HERMIONE: (pleasantly) Ginny, you're cute.

GINNY: (giggles) Thanks.

__

Ginny sees Harry, eyes widen and she flees up the stairs.

DRACO: (same tone as Hermione) Ginny, you're odd. You're in love with Potter.

****

Ginny sticks her tongue out at Draco and turns back to the screen, a very red blush on her cheeks.

Harry: What'd I say?

Ron: Ginny. She's been talking about you all summer. Been annoying, really.  
  
DRACO: HA HA HA HA! (calms down) Poor girl.

HARRY: Oh, shut up. She's not in love with me anymore.  
  
GINNY: Harry! Shut up! 'Anymore.' Idiot.

HARRY: (eyes wide) You're still in love with me?  
  
GINNY: (hotly) I never was you daft dolt!

DRACO: (chortles) She's telling you, Potter.

HARRY: Oh shut up.

SNAPE: Alright. That's enough. 20 points from Gryffindor. 10 from Slytherin.

McGONAGALL: (to Dumbledore) He's being fair?

DUMBLEDORE: (smiling) It appears so.

Mrs. Weasley: Your sons flew the car all the way to Surrey and back last night.

Mr. Weasley: Did they really?…How'd it go?  
  
DRACO: (laughs) Ah…Weasley, your family. (wipes fake tears from eyes) God love 'em.

__

Mr. Weasley: I mean that was wrong. Very wrong indeed. Now, Harry. You know all about Muggles---

DRACO: From the look of it, it doesn't seem so.

__

Mr. Weasley: Tell me, what exactly is the purpose of the rubber duck?

DRACO: HA HA!!! Weasley…why didn't you TELL me your family was so funny?

  
RON: (mouth open) I…I…I dunno?

Errol slams into the window.

****

Draco laughs very loudly and nearly falls out of his seat. Pansy stares at him like he's lost his mind. Ron, Harry and Hermione all exchange looks. Ginny, eyes narrowed, watches as Draco gets back into his seat. Other movie patrons don't bother looking at him, since they're laughing as well. Albeit, not as loud or enthusiastically.

__

Percy, hair very messed up **(much to Draco's amusement-he's holding in giggles) **_hands out Hogwarts letters to everybody._

Mr. Weasley: Dumbledore, doesn't miss a trick, that man.

Fred (or George): This lot won't come cheap, Mum. 

Mrs. Weasley: We'll manage. (pause) There's only one place we can get all of this. Diagon Alley.

Scene shifts to Fireplace. Everyone is gathered around in their cloaks.

DRACO: (looking at Harry) You're going to travel by Floo-Powder? HA! (looks back at screen)  
  
RON: Well, he's going to TRY to.

__

Ron gets into fireplace with Floo Powder in hand. He yells, "Diagon Alley!" and throws the powder down. Instantly he is engulfed in green flames and whisked away. Ginny looks away.

Mrs. Weasley: Your turn, Harry. It's very easy. Don't be frightened.  


Harry looks very nervous and scared, but steps forward and takes the powder. He gets into the fire place, says "Diagonally" and disappears into green flames.

Mrs. Weasley: What'd he say?

Mr. Weasley: Diagonally

Mrs. Weasley: I thought so.

DRACO: Oh no, Potter! Where do you end up!? 


	3. Pimps Galore

Muggle Movies 2: The Chamber

Part Three: Pimps Galore

__

Harry, very sooty, falls out of chimney into a dark room. He puts on his broken glasses and stands up.

DRACO: You're in Knockturn Alley, aren't you? 

HARRY: YOU would know.

DRACO: You say that like it's a bad thing.

  
HERMIONE: Well, it is. 

__

Hand grabs Harry's hand and clamps shut on him. 

DRACO: (doesn't care about Harry's hand) Who's side are you on?

Many audience members jump. Ron is biting his fingernails; Ginny looks bored; Pansy is stricken, watching as Harry gets his hand undone.

HERMIONE: (doesn't care either) I'm on no one's side.

DRACO: Well, you should be on mine.  
  
HERMIONE: (honestly curious) Why?  
  
DRACO: (turning completely around in his seat) Isn't it tedious to always agree with Potter and Weasley all the time? Wouldn't you like to shake things up a bit?

HERMIONE: (thinking) Well…yes…

DRACO: Potter, I cannot believe you ended up on Knockturn Alley. That is simply hilarious to me. I mean, The Boy Who Lived…in such a shady place as THAT!

HERMIONE: (changing subject) Oh, look, there's Hagrid. Do turn around in your seat.

McGONAGALL: Yes, Mr. Malfoy, sit down.

__

Hagrid: Harry?  
Harry: Hagrid!

DRACO: Lovely script writers. (rolls eyes)

SNAPE: Mr. Malfoy. Points.

__

Harry: What were YOU doing down there?

Hagrid: Looking for Flesh Eating Slug Repellant.

Hermione comes out of shop, dashing towards them.

Hermione: Harry! It's so good to see you!

DRACO: Get acting lessons, Granger.

HERMIONE: (glares) Shut up. That's not ME.

DRACO: Wow…you've certainly gotten better looking since the first movie. Imagine what you'll look like when you're of legal age. (cat calls) Wowza.

RON: (snickers) Draco just said Wowza.

DRACO: You just called me by my actual name.

Hermione: Come on, Harry. Everyone's been so worried.

Hermione and Harry go into Flourish and Blotts and see all the Weasleys, plus many witches.

DRACO: (bored) Where am I already?

HARRY: Well, in actuality, I met in you in Mr. Borgin's shop…or rather, SAW you. You were skulking about with your awful father and pestering him about buying something dreadful.

DRACO: You were IN there?

HARRY: Er…yes. Your father was selling things to Mr. Borgin because of all the Ministry raids.  
  
RON: Bloody hell! They cut a scene!  
  
GINNY: (soothingly) I'm sure they'll cut more, Ron.

__

Ron: Mum fancies him.

Mrs. Weasley hits Ron.

DRACO: (cheerfully) I do love your family, Weasley.

GINNY: Better not say that too loudly, it'll crush your image.

RON: (incredulous) Do you mean to say, they actually CUT a scene? Wickedness!

HARRY: Ron, you sound like a person straight out of Salem 1692. Careful, there.

__

Gilderoy Lockhart is going on about himself.   
Lockhart: Is that Harry Potter?  
Photographer grabs Harry and throws him towards Lockhart, who pulls him nearer.

Lockhart: We'll rate the first page, you and I.

HARRY: What a git.

  
DRACO: I second that.

DUMBLEDORE: Whether that be true or not, boys, please refrain from speaking ill of your past professors.

__

Lockhart tells everyone he's going to be the DADA teacher and gives Harry all of his published works which Mrs. Weasley reverently takes and says she'll get them signed. She tells everyone to go outside. At some point during this bit, the camera pans up and we see Draco Malfoy for the first time on screen. He's watching, looking bored.

DRACO: WOOOOOOOHOOOO! It's me! And I do look handsome! Wow!

RON: You sound like me. Shut up, you dolt.

SNAPE: 10 points from Gryffindor. And 10 from Slytherin, Mr. Malfoy. You'll attract attention to yourself.

****

Everyone stares, surprised that he's actually taken points off…again.

DRACO: I ALWAYS attract attention to myself. It's a Malfoy curse.

HARRY: What, that's the ONLY Malfoy curse? Isn't being a great git a curse?

DRACO: Potter, watch it.

SNAPE: Watch it, boys.

McGONAGALL: We WILL take more points. Now, quiet.

  
_Draco Malfoy tears a page out of a book and pockets it, then goes down the stairs to stand in front of Harry._

Draco: Bet you loved that, didn't you Potter? Famous Harry Potter can't even go into a bookshop…

PANSY: (breathless) Wow.

HERMIONE: (breathless) Wow.

RON: (aggravated) What are you two going on about?  
  
HERMIONE: (points shakily to screen) Look…look at Draco.

DRACO: (smugly) I'm a sexy bitch.

HARRY: You just called yourself a female dog.

DRACO: (calmly) No, actually. I called myself a bitch, which in America is actually a term meaning…something or other. I picked it up from Austin Powers, the film. Wonderful film. Anyway, I complimented myself.

RON: Wow, something new for you, Malfoy.

__

Ginny: Leave him alone.

Draco: You've got yourself a girlfriend!

GINNY: (Laughing) Hardly!

HERMIONE: If only Draco were that good looking in real life.

DRACO: (put out) Hey!

HARRY: She's only stating the truth.

DRACO: (scoffing) Ha.

__

Lucius Malfoy appears on screen, pushing a very annoyed looking Draco out of the way.

PANSY: ARSE! He pushed Draco off screen!

DRACO: Good God. When did my father become a pimp?

In spite of themselves, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny all burst out laughing. Draco is not sure why, exactly, as he's only telling it how it is.

__

Harry: Voldemort killed my parents. He was nothing but a murderer.

Lucius: You say the name freely.

Hermione: Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.

Lucius: You must be Hermione Granger…

Draco nods, while also glaring at Hermione.

Lucius: I've heard so much about you. And your parents…Muggles.

DRACO: Funny how he knew that.

HERMIONE: Well, you apparently talk about me all the time.

DRACO: Yeah, I complain about you.

HERMIONE: Oh, is that all?

DRACO: What are you implying?

RON: Quiet. Malfoy's awful father is now making fun of us.

__

Lucius: Vacant expressions, red hair, tattered books…you must be the Weasleys.

RON: He sounds just like you, Malfoy. And that is NOT a compliment.

DRACO: (nose in the air) I sound nothing like my father, Weasley.

__

Arthur: It's mad in here, let's get outside.

Lucius: Arthur Weasley…

Arthur: Malfoy.

HARRY: YES! This is when Mr. Weasley kicks Mr. Malfoy's arse!!!

DUMBLEDORE: (chuckling) As wonderful as that sounds, Harry, please keep your voice down.

DRACO: Yeah, Potter. And, by the way, Weasley's father does NOT kick my father's arse.

__

Lucius: See you at work.

Draco: See you at school. 

He does an interesting little eyebrow raise (that looks more flirty than menacing) and struts from the shop.

HERMIONE: OH GOOD LORD.

  
PANSY: Swoon.

HERMIONE: He must do that more often.

PANSY: Oh, I hope he does.

DRACO: (attempting eyebrow raise) That?

PANSY: Good try, Drac…even though you look bloody hot, it's not the same as Tom looking bloody hot.

Car outside Kings Cross Station, Weasleys are walking briskly to Platform 9 ¾.

  
RON: WHOA! WAIT! BLOODY HELL!!

HARRY: DAMMIT! They cut the scene! I wanted to see some blood! And flailing limbs!

SNAPE: 30 points from Gryffindor. Quiet down, gentlemen.

HARRY: (glumly) But there's no fight!

DRACO: I agree that this is very, highly unfair. 

SNAPE: POINTS.

__

Fred, George, Percy, Ginny, Molly and Arthur go through the barrier at Kings Cross.

__

Harry and Ron get a running start and barrel towards the brick wall, only to crash into it. Harry flies off to the side, Ron flies over the trunks and gets up, rubbing his leg.

DRACO: (chuckling) HAHAHA. Potter. AHAHAHAHA. Weasley. HAHAHAHAHA. That must have hurt. HAHA.

RON: (pleasantly) Malfoy, your straw.

DRACO: Hmmmm? (wiping tears from eyes from laughing so hard)

RON: (growling) Your straw is begging to be shoved up your arse.

SNAPE: (sternly) 10 points from Gryffindor.

****

Harry and Ron both look hopelessly to Dumbledore, who has no intention to reinstate any of the points taken.

__

  
AngryWorker: What do you two think you're doing?

Harry: ………Sorry….lost control of the trolley.

Ron: Why can't we get onto the platform? (hits brick)

Harry hits the brick listlessly.

DRACO: That a boy, Potter! Hit it! Hit it! It'll open up for you and your superhero powers!

****

Many people in the theater (including Harry) glare at Draco and he slides further down into his seat.

__

Harry: Maybe we should go wait at the car.

Ron: (gleam in eyes) The car…

DRACO: AH HA! So THIS is how you managed to find a flying car! Your Muggle-loving father CREATED it! HAHAHAHA!

SNAPE: 10 points from Slytherin.

  
McGONAGALL: (gawking) Severus…

SNAPE: Is 20 more suitable to you, Minerva?

  
McGONAGALL: What? Uh…no, no. It's fine. (gawks more)

HARRY: (to Ron) Snape is really enjoying the movie.

  
RON: Scary, really.

Harry: Uh…Ron? Muggles aren't really accustomed to seeing a flying car.

Ron: Oh, right. (hits button on dashboard and air-born car becomes invisible)

DRACO: I want a flying car. 

RON: Yeah, everyone does. (grins) Look at me go! I look good! (shakes head in happiness) Bloody brilliant, I am.

DRACO: (rolls eyes) Yeah, wait until you hit that damned tree…you won't be laughing then.

  
RON: (gulp) Oh, right. The tree. How'd you know about that?

DRACO: (airily) I know about all of the Dream Team's expeditions. It was all over the school.

__

Ron: Now we just need to find the train. We shouldn't be too far from it.

Train whistle.

Ron: We must be getting close. (looks around excitedly)

HERMIONE: (giggles) Ron, you look so cute!

__

Harry and Ron turn to each other. Ron looks horrified…very rightly so. The train is behind them, making lots of noise. Ron and Harry turn to see it, as well as Hedwig who is obviously animatronic but looks funny scared. Harry and Ron scream like girls.

DRACO: (laughing) Ahhhh Weasley. Look at you. NOW who looks like they're going to pee their pants?

RON: I wouldn't laugh, Malfoy. You ALWAYS look like you're going to pee your pants.

  
DRACO: (sneers) I have no retort to that…but someday I will.

__

Harry falls out of car, holds onto door.   
Ron: HARRY! Grab on! 

Harry: I can't! Your hand is too sweaty!

DRACO: (tutting) Weasley, Weasley, Weasley.

__

Ron manages to pull Harry into the car and Harry shuts the door.  
Harry: I think we found the train.

Ron: Yeah.

DRACO: Oh, well spotted! (turns to Snape) Honestly, why would someone make movies about Gryffindors? Why don't they make a 'Draco Malfoy and the Defeat of Harry Potter' movie?

SNAPE: (honestly) Probably because you've never defeated Potter.

DRACO: If it's fiction, what does it matter?

PANSY: Draco, please be quiet! The tree is coming up!  
  
DRACO: (looks back at screen) Oh good. I wanted to see this.

Ron: Welcome home.

Car flies by castle, dipping up and down and making odd car noises.

PANSY: (dryly) How sweet.

__

Harry: Pull up!

Ron: I can't! It's jammed! (pulls out wand and hits it against steering wheel. Wand breaks.)

Car falls into Whomping Willow and is stationary.

Ron: (sadly) My wand!

PANSY: I love that voice!!!

McGONAGALL: As we all love Mr. Weasley's voice when it cracks like that, I won't be taking points…but keep your voice down.

Tree branch rams into car.

Ron: (scared) What's happening!?

HERMIONE: Ron! You're so cute when you're scared! Listen to that voice!

  
RON: (proudly) I know. I am so cool.

__

Tree hits car so much that it falls onto the ground. Ron peels out and drives away. The car throws Harry and Ron out, as well as their luggage and animals. Car drives off, boys follow. It goes into the Dark Forest and the boys stop running.  
Ron: Dad's going to kill me.

DRACO: Not if you tell him Muggles made you do it. 


	4. The Importance of the Evil Laugh

Muggle Movies 2: The Chamber

Part Four: The Importance of the Evil Laugh

__

Harry is muttering about everything that's gone wrong and says, "Someone doesn't want me here." and then he and Ron bump into Filch.

Filch: My, we are in trouble

DRACO: Hehehehehe

  
HERMIONE: You did not just say 'hehehehehe?'

PANSY: He did.

HERMIONE: He doesn't say that.

HARRY: Yeah, you need to make it more evil. Like Bwahhhhhahahahahha.

DRACO: That was too much wahhh, Potter. It's more like, 'Bwahahahahahahawahhhahahah.'

RON: That's too Dr. Evilish, Malfoy.

DRACO: You've seen Austin Powers, Weasley?

RON: At Hermione's this summer.

DRACO: Oh of course. Well, you're right. I hate to say that, however. But you are. What's a good evil laugh, Professor Snape?  
  
SNAPE: SHHHHHHHH! Draco! I'm trying to watch me get angry at Potter!

__

Snape: You were seen! By no less than SEVEN Muggles! (shows Daily Prophet and flying car on front page) 

HARRY: He's being so overly dramatic.

PANSY: Yes, but he does it so well.

****

Ron and Harry exchange a glance of confusion, but shrug it off.

__

Snape: As it is----  
Dumbledore: They are not.

Harry: Professor Dumbledore. Professor McGonagall.

RON: GO DUMBLEDORE!

MOVIE PATRON#1: SHHHHHH!

****

Ron sticks his tongue out at her and goes back to the movie, looking sour.

__

Ron: I guess we'll go and pack.  
McGonagall: Pack, Mr. Weasley?

Ron: We're being expelled, aren't we?

McGonagall: Not today, Mr. Weasley.

PANSY: I wish she'd stop saying 'Mr. Weasley' so much. It's annoying.

HERMIONE: I agree. And where is Oliver, already!? I'm getting impatient.

DRACO: Well, that's obvious. (grins) Don't get your knickers in a twist.

HERMIONE: Don't worry. You have no effect on my knickers.

__

Overview of the castle, camera pans into one of the greenhouses. Professor Sprout enters with earmuffs over her ears.

Sprout: Today we're going to repot mandrakes. Who here can tell me the properties of the mandrake? Miss Granger.

Hermione: The mandrake, or mantegora, is used to restore those who have been petrified. It's also quite dangerous, the mandrake's cry is deadly to anyone who hears it.

DRACO: (sarcastically) Good enunciations.

HERMIONE: (glowers) Oh, be quiet.

RON: He's right though. It's getting a bit old. It started out kind of cute in an annoying way. Like you are normally, but now it's just annoying. The cuteness factor is gone.

  
**Hermione hits Ron in the back of the head. Draco applauds like they applaud at golf tournaments.**

SNAPE: (distractedly) Five points from Gryffindor.

Sprout: Wonderful. Five points to Gryffindor.

Ron and Harry look at Hermione very happily.

SNAPE: Don't think you're actually getting those.

DRACO: I wish Potter and Weasley hadn't looked so pleased. It was ridiculous.

HARRY: Very much agreed. We looked like dolts.

__

Sprout tells everyone to put earmuffs on. Draco does so very quickly and efficiently, not wanting to be knocked out. Once everyone has done this, Sprout pulls a mandrake from a pot and it emits an awful scream. Sprout puts it in another pot and covers it with soil all the while explaining what to do. Neville passes out.

Sprout: Oh Longbottom's been neglecting his earmuffs.

Seamus: He's just passed out, ma'am.

Sprout: Yes, very well, just leave him there.

DRACO: HA HA! I wish she were like that in real life towards Longbottom! It'd give me a good laugh in that horrid class.

__

Everyone pulls their own mandrakes out of the pots looking horrified. Draco, however, sticks his finger in his mandrake's mouth and it bites him. Draco pulls his finger out looking very, very angry and ready to hit the mandrake. 

  
PANSY: Ooooh! I love that face!!!

HERMIONE: Oooh, yeah, me too!

****

Draco, Harry and Ron all exchange looks of shock once again. Draco's is considerably more shocked, but soon turns into a smug expression.

__

Sir Nicholas says hello to Penelope (who has no lines, and probably not a credit in the credits) and Percy, who says hello back.

DRACO: What was the POINT of that scene?

HARRY: I dunno.

Ron is trying to get his taped up wand to work. Ron: Say it, I'm doomed

Harry: You're doomed

Colin: Hey Harry! I'm Colin Creevy! I'm in Gryffindor too!  
Harry: Hi Colin. Nice to meet you.

DRACO: That dolt is such a …dolt.

  
HARRY: Good one.

Erol brings howler to Ron.

Seamus: Look everyone, Weasley's got himself a howler!

[excessive shouting from Mrs. Weasley]

RON: Well, there's Seamus' one line in the entire film.

__

Howler sticks 'tongue' out.

HERMIONE: (angrily) Oh, it doesn't do that!

RON: No, but it is quite cool looking, isn't it?

DRACO: There's that sister of yours, what is she doing in these films anyway? I hope she hasn't got more lines than I do.

RON: How could she when every scene you're in, all you do is talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Like a broken record or whatever.

HARRY: We're all slipping in our comebacks. I think we should have a class in school about that.

HERMIONE: (laughs) A Comeback Class? HA.

Gilderoy Lockhart's classroom.

Seamus: Cornish Pixies?

RON: Oh, there's one more line.

HERMIONE: Lockhart's better looking in the film than he is in real life.

PANSY: I am inclined to agree.

HARRY: I have never heard Pansy say "inclined" in her entire life.

__

Pixies wreak havoc in classroom.

DRACO: That man is such a pansy.

PANSY: (affronted) Watch who you're calling a pansy, Malfoy.

__

Oliver: Where do you think you're going, Flint?  
Flint: Quidditch practice, Wood.

HERMIONE: OLIVER!!!  
  
PANSY: (high pitched squeal)

MOVIE PATRON #2: WILL YOU BE QUIET!?

HERMIONE & PANSY: Oh do shut up.

DRACO: OH HO! This is my big moment! (listens carefully with ear turned towards screen)

__

Draco: You filthy little mudblood.

  
DRACO: WOOOT!  
  
HERMIONE: That was really, really rude, Draco. (teary eyed)

  
DRACO: I know! I'm an arse! But that was SOOOOOO good!

__

Ron's wand backfires and he ends up belching/throwing up slugs.

PANSY: (huffily) That was not enough Oliver. 

DRACO: Didn't you enjoy seeing my scene, Pans?

PANSY: Not so much, no. I want more Oliver.

DRACO: Oh come on. You love me. I'm a sexy beast.

PANSY: Meh.

****

Draco gives Harry and Ron looks of contempt and then turns back to the movie.

__

The trio are at Hagrid's; Ron is throwing slugs up into a large pail. Hermione is crying.

Harry: Malfoy called Hermione…a…I don't know what it means, actually.

Hermione: He called me a mud blood. It's a really foul name for someone muggleborn. Someone like me.

DRACO: This is a really touching moment and all, but where am I?

RON: Silly Draco, tricks are for kids.

DRACO: What, Weasley? Have you lost your Muggle-loving mind?  
  
RON: That's my dad, Malfoy, not me. And shut up, by the way. It' s an advertisement on the telly.

DRACO: I know what it is, thanks.

RON: How, exactly?  
  
DRACO: *Rolls eyes* Watch the movie.

Harry is having detention with Professor Lockhart.

Lockhart: Celebrity is as celebrity does, remember that.

RON: What the bloody hell does that mean, anyway?

HERMIONE: Well, I have no idea.

PANSY: Where's Oliver?

DRACO: Did Granger say she had no idea? (Gasp) That's a new one.

HALF THE MOVIE THEATER: SHUT UP.

__

Harry: Spooky.

DRACO: Also kind of stupid.

RON: Aren't you peeing in your knickers from fright, yet?

  
DRACO: (evil eye) No, I expect you are, though.

__

Harry is walking through the darkened hallways feeling along the walls hearing an odd disembodied voice that is talking about ripping, tearing and killing.

Hermione and Ron show up.

Hermione: HARRY!

DRACO: I must say that at least your acting has improved since the first film.

****

Teachers nod approvingly of Draco's assessment.

DRACO: (evil grin) Instead of looking and sounding extremely constipated, you now look and sound only a tad constipated.

McGONAGALL: Fifty points from Slytherin. 

SNAPE: Malfoy, do quiet down. Some of us are trying to watch Potter loose his mind.

DRACO: I didn't realize Potter could hear voices no one else could. He really is completely bonkers.

McGONAGALL: Malfoy.

HARRY: Yeah, watch it. At least I'm not evil.

DRACO: That one's getting old, Potter.

__

Harry, Ron and Hermione are looking at spiders scuttling across the wet hallway floor.

Ron: I don't like spiders.

DRACO: Poor Ronny. Hermione will protect you, won't you, Granger?  
  
HERMIONE: (narrowed eyes) Shut up, Malfoy.

DRACO: That is not what you told me last night. (suggestive eyebrow wiggle)

SNAPE: (amused) I believe I heard sexual undertones in that statement.

RON: Did the wiggling of the eyebrows give it away?  
  
SNAPE: Two hundred points, Weasley.

RON: (outraged) For what!?

SNAPE: For disliking spiders. They are wonderfully amazing creatures. (Turns back to movie)

RON: (quietly) They're disgusting.

DUMBLEDORE: (soothingly) You will not have two hundred points taken away, Mr. Weasley.

RON: (Sticking tongue out at the back of Snape's head) Thank you, sir.

SNAPE: Watch it, Weasley. (grinning) Seriously, watch the movie. You're so frightened of me. HEHE!

HARRY: He didn't just giggle, did he?

  
HERMIONE: (scared) It seems so.

PANSY: Where's Oliver?

DRACO: Pay attention, I think Filch is going to cry about his dreadful cat.

HARRY: (looks) No, now Snape is sticking up for us. It's an odd day.

RON: I'll say.

HERMIONE: Yes, but when does Oliver come back on?

PANSY: OOOOH, and that lovely Christian Coulson.

SNAPE: All in due time, I'm sure.


	5. Undertones Gone Awry

Muggle Movies 2: The Chamber

Part Five: Undertones Gone Awry

__

Transfiguration class, Professor McGonagall is teaching them how to turn animals into water goblets. She asks Ron to demonstrate and he turns Scabbers into a hairy goblet with a moving tail. Hermione asks P. McG to explain about the Chamber of Secrets and she reluctantly agrees.

RON: (yawn) I already know all about the Chamber of Secrets. I read the book.

HARRY: You also lived it.

  
RON: Oh, right.

DRACO: You forgot about it, Weasley? Or did it scare you so much that you blocked it from your horrible memory?

RON: (grumble) Go turn yourself into a ferret, Malfoy.

SNAPE: I am ready to take ALL the points you have EVER received if you don't stop this constant ridiculous bickering immediately. SOME of us are TRYING to enjoy the movie and I'd APPRECIATE you allowing us to do so in SILENCE.

Everyone is silent for a moment; Professor McGonagall taps Snape on the shoulder and he turns towards her.

McGONAGALL: I'd just like to say that you put wonderful emphasis on the correct words. Well done. I'd give you points, but you are a professor. 

She sits back in her seat and turns her attention the movie, leaving Snape dumbstruck.

__

The Quidditch scene. Harry is flying idly around, random Slytherins are getting goals and such.

PANSY: (squeal) Oliver! Oliver! OLIVERRRRRR!  
  
HERMIONE: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

RON: (quietly to Harry) Hermione just wooted.

HARRY: Yes, let's never speak of this again.

__

Oliver: Watch yourself, Harry!

Bludger slams into Oliver's broom sending him flying.

PANSY: (Scared) Watch YOURSELF, Oliver!

  
HERMIONE: (worriedly) I hope he hasn't gotten hurt. He does have bad luck in these films, it seems, even though his record in real life is much, much better.

DRACO: Not better than mine. I've never gotten hurt during a match.

__

Draco lands onto the pitch, looking very injured…at least in the groin area.

DRACO: (cringe) At least until now.

RON: That wasn't real.

DRACO: Oh, right you are.

HARRY: I think you should keep quiet, anyway, after that little line, "You'll never catch me, Potter!" All that needed was a really awful evil laugh and it would be complete.

DRACO: I noticed it was a bit overly dramatic. It was as if Granger momentarily took over my actor's body.

HERMIONE: I will not grace that with a retort. Especially because I have NO idea what you meant.

__

Hermione stops rogue bludger from killing Harry, Harry thanks her.   
Hermione: Are you all right?  
Harry: No, I, I think my arm is broken.

Lockhart and random others appear on scene.

HARRY: Oh good God, not him.

DRACO: You sound remarkably like your movie self.

HARRY: (angrily) Can you blame me?  
  
DRACO: (pause) No, not really. He is a daft oaf. 

SNAPE: (whispering) I think they're getting along.

  
DUMBLEDORE: (chuckling) Best not jinx it, Severus.

__

Draco is in hospital wing groaning and looking awful.

HERMIONE: Em…that groaning could be considered quite sexual.

DRACO: (wink) Well, only you would know.

HERMIONE: (blushes) Shut up.

PANSY: He looks hot doing that. (cranes neck) He's out of the shot now. Why must that dreadful nurse woman tell him he can leave!? Obviously he's in lots of pain.

  
DRACO: Thank you for caring.

PANSY: Not about you. I care about Tom Felton.

RON: OH HO! SHUT DOWN!  
  
MOVIE PATRON: SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

DRACO: It's SHOT down.

HERMIONE: Ron, you really should have taken Muggle Studies.

Ron ignores both of them.

  
_Harry spits out Skele-grow._

Madame Pomfrey: Well, what did you expect? Pumpkin juice?

RON: (sticks tongue out at movie patron) Why don't you try having a little fun in life instead of shushing good, innocent people at theaters?

DUMBLEDORE: Mr. Weasley, you might not want to call so much attention to yourself.

****

Ron notices that half the theater is staring oddly at him.

RON: (ducks down into seat) Sorry, sir.

DRACO: (whispering to him) That was a small bit delayed, Weasley. Next time, if you're going to yell at a random person, at least do it directly after they make you angry.

Harry wakes up in hospital bed, Dobby on top of him.  
  
DRACO: (jumps) WHAT THE HELL!?

PANSY: (Giggles) It's just a house elf. In the MOVIE.

DRACO: Yes, well, he is odd looking. Creepy, even, and it frightened me.

__

Dobby hits himself with Skele-grow bottle.

DRACO: I cannot even tell you how often I wanted to hit him in real life.

GINNY: Probably less than the times you ACTUALLY hit him. *scowls*

DRACO: (craning neck to look at Ginny) What are you doing here, Weasley?  
  
GINNY: (huffs) I've been here all along. You were too busy ogling at Hermione or bickering to notice.

DRACO: Well, I've noticed now.

  
GINNY: (blushes) Fine, then.

HERMIONE: Are you alright, Ginny?  
  
GINNY: (angrily) Yes, why?  
  
HERMIONE: You've been rather quiet…

GINNY: I, unlike all of you, am actually WATCHING the movie. (looks at screen)  
  
HERMIONE: Ginny, it's okay to have a crush on your brother.

GINNY: (looking sick and affronted) WHAT!?

SNAPE: (not taking eyes from screen) Points, Weasleys…er Weasley and Granger.

HERMIONE: (whispering) I only meant that the Ron onscreen isn't REAL Ron so it's okay to have a crush on him. You look rather ill, are you alright? Did you eat too much popcorn? Did you drink too much coke?

GINNY: Stop fussing, Hermione. I'm fine. And I do NOT have a crush on Ron.

DRACO: I should hope not, as we are not in Kentucky.

HERMIONE: Draco, that's a misconception. 

DRACO: I sure hope Weasley's not developing a Kentucky state of mind back there. I have half a mind to crawl over the back of the seat and get her mind off the film.

Ginny sputters, blushes again and sinks lower in her seat.

HERMIONE: (glowers at back of Draco's head) Honestly, would you tone down the sexual undertones, please?

DRACO: Are you jealous?  
  
HERMIONE: Of WHAT exactly?

DRACO: Me showing Weasley what a real man is.

HERMIONE: (Snort) I…I have no retort to that.

RON: OH BLOODY HELL! WATCH THE MOVIE!  
  
SNAPE: (holds finger up) 10 points to whoever that was.

RON: (confused) You're giving me 10 points?  
  
SNAPE: Yes, for shutting them up. This is not a teen angst story. It's a mystery! So stop with all the sexual tension! (heavy sigh)

McGONAGALL: Well said.

DUMBLEDORE: Look, everyone, it seems to be the dueling club scene.

__

Lockhart stands on podium, taking off cape.

Lockhart: Can everyone see me? Can everyone hear me?

DRACO: That dolt is so-----

HERMIONE: Don't finish that sentence.

__

Lockhart throws cape into crowd, girls squeal and grab for it.

RON: It's so sad how this resembles real life so much.

HARRY: Why?

RON: Those poor girls thinking Lockhart was all that and a bag of Cheetos. (crunches on Cheetos)

HERMIONE: Ron…did you sneak a look at my Muggle Studies book 'Teen Lingo and How To Use It'?

RON: (blush) Well, you're always telling me I need to take Muggle Studies.

DRACO: Hush, Weasley, I don't need to know anymore. I wanna watch myself beat Potter to a pulp.

HARRY: (laugh) Oh, I'd like to see you try.

DRACO: You will (points). Watch.

__

Snape: …You'll be sending Potter to the hospital wing in a matchbox.

SNAPE: Weasley, just for the fact that you are rather good in this movie, I apologize for saying that about your wand. I really did want to see Potter going to the hospital wing in a matchbox. I shouldn't have stopped Lockhart pairing you together.

RON: (quietly) I thought for a moment he had turned a new leaf.

HARRY: You were wrong.

__

Draco: Scared, Potter?  
Harry: You. Wish.

  
PANSY: (SQUEAL) HOTNESS!

HERMIONE: (giggle) Wow.

GINNY: (goggle-eyed) I can't…I can't believe that.

HERMIONE: (laughing) Believe what?

GINNY: Harry! He's so cute!

HARRY: (stares at her) What?

GINNY: (sinks so low in seat she falls to the floor) Nothing. (cough) OH LOOK! WOOD'S IN THE AUDIENCE!

  
**Girls all around are apt with attention at these words, but no one sees him.**

RON: Whoa, Harry, look! You just flew into the air!  
  
HARRY: (glumly) Yeah. (sarcasm) Wow.

RON: (laughs heartily) Oh, Malfoy, your groin will never be the same again.

HARRY: Maybe he won't be able to have kids!

DRACO: I'll find a way. Malfoys always do. (winks at Hermione and Ginny, who scowl back)

RON: (menacingly) Watch it, or you'll find yourself as a ferret again.


	6. Tom Riddle's Hot Status

Muggle Movies 2: The Chamber

Part Six: Tom Riddle's Hot Status

GINNY: (frown) That kid doesn't look like Justin Finch-Fletchley.

DRACO: No, you're right. Finch-Fletchley in real life looks much less like a fish than that person.

GINNY: (rolls eyes) Justin's a really nice bloke, you shouldn't say he looks like a fish.

DRACO: Didn't you hear me properly? I said JFF looks LESS like a fish than the bloke on screen. (haughty sniff)

HERMIONE: If you two will pay attention you'll notice that JFF, as you so dearly call him, has just yelled dramatically at Harry after Harry spoke Parseltongue to ward the snake off.

RON: (guffaws while pointing at screen) That face Harry just made was priceless!  
  
HARRY: (snort) Yeah. (mimics his screen self) Yeah, I bet loads of people here can do it. (excessive nodding)

DRACO: (mimics) AHHHHHH! Potter's a parselmouth! AHHHHH! RUN FOR THE HILLS!

PANSY: (dimly) What hills? There are no hills here. And where the bloody hell is Wood, anyway?

DRACO: (angrily) He's probably out somewhere playing with his balls.

****

Pansy, Hermione and Ginny all stare daggers at him.

DRACO: Oh, stop it. I meant his QUIDDITCH balls. Like I'd talk about his----

DUMBLEDORE: That'll do, Mr. Malfoy. Thank you. 

****

Everyone, surprisingly, watches the movie in silence for a bit, until Draco gets bored being good and turns to Harry to egg him on some more.

__

Library scene; everyone staring at Harry.

Harry: I'll see you back in the common room.

DRACO: I don't know why you complain so much about all the attention you get. You know you love it.

HARRY: Not the negative attention, thank you.

DRACO: You sound very wise, Potter. Have you become a monk?  
  
HARRY: (scowling) No. You could, though, considering they have that vow of celibacy. You're already doing that, so you might as well be a monk whilst.

DRACO: I admire your try at insulting me, but that didn't even make much sense. (to Hermione) And I do wish your actress would stop enunciating so much. It's aggravating me.

HERMIONE: (blandly) I'll let her know.

DRACO: That's all I ask. Oh, dear God, is it that snake at it again? It's so repetitive. Eat, kill, etc.  
  
HERMIONE: You're not supposed to know it's a snake yet.

DRACO: Why not? I knew all along.

GINNY: Oh shut it, you sound remarkably pompous.

RON: QUIET you lot! Nearly Headless Nick and Justin are petrified! (looks excitedly at the screen)  
  
_Filch: Caught in the act. I'll have you Potter._

Harry: No, Mr. Filch---you don't understand.

DRACO: Potter, your actor is horrible.

PANSY: Oh shut up, Draco, yours isn't much better. Wait, that's not true. 

DRACO: It doesn't matter. I should try and be my own actor. I could do a hell of a lot better job.

RON: OOOOOH! DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE!  
  
DUMBLEDORE: I'm delighted you like my office so much, Mr. Weasley, but do try to keep your voice down.

****

Ron blushes and slides down into his seat. 

DRACO: I don't like that hat. It's creepy.

HARRY: Yes, well. At least it didn't put YOU into Slytherin.

DRACO: Do you realize who you're talking to or has fame really gone to your head?

HARRY: (scowls) Whatever, Malfoy. Just watch the bloody movie.

GINNY: Stop being so brooding, Harry. It's very uncharacteristic. Not to mention annoying after a while.

  
DRACO: You used to love everything he did.

GINNY: Well, not anymore.

DRACO: Obviously you've seen sense.

GINNY: I don't know whether to thank you…or be offended.

HERMIONE: A little of both will do.

****

Ginny thanks Malfoy and then looks offensively back at the screen.

__

Harry: You don't think it was me, Professor?  
Dumbledore: No, Harry. I do not think it was you. But I must ask you, is there something you wish to tell me?

Harry: No, sir.  
  
DRACO: (loud, dramatic gasp) POTTER lying to a TEACHER!? Good heavens the world has ended!

RON: Oh, shut up. We always lie to teachers, it's no big deal.

DRACO: (Grins) You might not want to admit that while you're among your teachers.

****

McGonagall, Dumbledore and Snape, however, are all watching the movie and seemingly ignoring them.

RON: Those cupcakes look rather good. It's making me hungry.

DRACO: Look Weasley, Potter's just told you you're too much a dolt to perform a first year spell! HA HA!

HARRY: Only because his wand backfires all the time. It's nothing against him personally.

DRACO: No need to defend him, Potter. We all know the truth. God, Goyle and Crabbe are really not worthy of me, are they.

GINNY: No.

PANSY: Definitely not.

HERMIONE: That's the understatement of the year.

DRACO: (quietly laughing) Well, looks like Malfoy's won all the women's affections again. Oh, no, I hope Granger and Weasley don't throw up onscreen.

RON: I think they just like smashing the glasses. The sound is very believable.

DRACO: Oh yes, and that special effect, as those worms go all over Potter's body…that's quite cool. I should like to try the Polyjuice Potion when we get back to school.

SNAPE: I wouldn't if I were you. Even though these three get away with everything, I should think you wouldn't be so lucky. Even with your father having all the pull he has.

RON: He's quite right. (Stares, blinks, looks back at screen) Oh, look, there's my brother.

__

Draco: Why are you wearing glasses?  
Goyle/Harry: Oh, um. Reading.

Draco: Reading? I didn't know you could read.

Ron, Draco and Harry all crack up hysterically while the girls giggle appreciatively.

RON: AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! That was GOOD!

PANSY: That was so marvelous, Draco!

DRACO: (beams) Thank you, thank you.

HARRY: You didn't say that in real life.

DRACO: So? I could have. 

RON: You're a real twit, Malfoy. Stealing someone's present like that.

DRACO: (shrugs) Meh. Granger's got a tail.

HERMIONE: (blushes) I'm going to go and get some more snacks. Anyone want anything?  
  
DRACO: I'll go with you.   
  
**Hermione, shocked, shrugs and starts to walk out, Draco following slowly.**

DRACO: (whispering to Ron as he passes) Jot down some notes so I know what I've missed of myself.

RON: Will do.

****

Outside, in line at the concession stand.

DRACO: Do you remember what happened when we went off together the last time we were here?

****

Hermione pales and pretends not to have heard him.

DRACO: (moving to stand directly in front of her) There's no use pretending, you know. It's etched on my brain forever, and I shall not let you live it down.

HERMIONE: (looking at menu) Those Crunch bars things look lovely, perhaps I'll get some of those.

DRACO: Hermione.

HERMIONE: (angrily) What.

DRACO: Don't you love me?

****

Hermione and Draco, sometime later, sit back in their seats. Both of them look rather disheveled. No one seems to notice.

RON: (hands piece of paper to Draco) This is all you've missed of yourself.

DRACO: (Nodding) Thanks, Weasley. Wait, I stole someone's present?  
  
RON: Yes, you're a trout.

HERMIONE: Twit.

RON: Right. Twit.

DRACO: More importantly, what was IN the present?

RON: How should I know? You put it in your pocket.

DRACO: (huffily) I don't need to steal presents. They've made me into some common burglar. Bugger them.

GINNY: Oh, God. I may throw up.

HERMIONE: (worriedly) Why?

GINNY: The diary. (points to the screen) I don't think I can watch this.

HARRY: Oh, come on, Gin. It's over and done with. It's not your fault all this happened.

GINNY: (aggravated look) Don't patronize me, Harry.

HERMIONE: (false happiness) But Oliver may come on screen. You don't want to leave and miss him, do you?

DRACO: (quiet chuckle) Potter, you're so daft. (mocking) Do----you----know----_anything_----------about----the Chamber---of----_Secrets?_

HARRY: (scowling) Shut up, Draco…I mean, Malfoy.

DRACO: (raised eyebrow) I was only making fun of how the actor posed that question. Oh, look. You just had a minor hissy fit.

  
HARRY: And you would know ALL about hissy fits. As they were invented for you.

DRACO: Yes, and in the dictionary, under the word 'hissy' is a picture of me. (rolls eyes) Get new material, Potter. Yours is getting old.

RON: WHOA! Shut up, you two. You've just missed Harry being sucked into the diary!!! (quiets down when he sees a woman in front of him scowling their way)

GINNY: (whispering) Tom…

HERMIONE: (apprehensive look) Ginny? Are you okay?  
  
GINNY: (nods, while staring at screen) Oh, my God. That's Tom Riddle.

RON: Not the REAL Tom Riddle, surely.

DRACO: (Snicker) No, Weasley. Not the REAL Tom Riddle.

PANSY: I think he's rather handsome.

GINNY: Yes, he is.

PANSY: Maybe even more attractive than Draco's actor, Potter AND Weasleys put together.

GINNY: (still whispering) Yeah.

DRACO: Bloody Tom Riddle. He's not THAT attractive. Look! He's being mean to that great Oaf. Surely that brings his status down some?  
  
PANSY: You make fun of Hagrid and your status isn't brought down.

DRACO: Bugger.

RON: OOOOOH! LOOK! Harry's yelling, 'HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGRID!' really slowly!

HERMIONE: It's called slow-motion. It's used a lot in films. 

RON: It's neat!

GINNY: (suddenly) Where did Tom go!?

HARRY: (bitterly) He'll be back.

GINNY: (Standing) I'm going to go and get a drink. I'll be right back.

****

Ginny left the theatre, Hermione quickly trailing her 'just in case'.

RON: (sighing) Girls are truly weird.

A/N: Thanks so much to eedoe, without her weekly reminders I couldn't possibly have even finished this chapter!

And thanks to all the reviewers for being patient *cough* LOL. You guys are fantastic, seriously. Your reviews made me TRY to write faster. Unfortunately, the chapter was so horribly delayed because my brother was in the hospital for a month, and I was rather distraught. I am sorry that I couldn't get this out sooner, but it really couldn't be helped. I'll try desperately to get the next chapter out before there's a six month hiatus again, but I can't make any promises since I'm in college now, and it's a tad stressful at the moment. The only promise I can make is that I hope to have this story finished before POA comes out. *crosses fingers*  


If any of you have ideas for what you'd like characters to say at particular parts in the movie, please leave them in a review. I can always use some help!

Thanks again for all the reviews and encouragement!


	7. Lots of Winking

Muggle Movies 2: The Chamber

Part Seven: Lots of Winking

DRACO: (checks watch) Where the bloody hell have Granger and Little Weasley gone? 

RON: (Shrug) Dunno.

HARRY: More importantly, why do you care?

DRACO: I just do, okay?  
  
HARRY: Not buying it.

RON: Oh, give it a rest you two. Have you noticed all the drama and havoc that is happening on the screen there? That large thing in front of you that plays moving pictures? Yeah? Okay, then watch.

DRACO: (sits angrily in silence for a moment) They've been gone for a while.

HARRY: Yes, about ten minutes. Very long time. (looks at him suspiciously) Why are you so worried?  
  
DRACO: (sneer) I am not worried, Potter.

RON: WATCH THE MOVIE!  
  
SNAPE: I didn't think I'd ever say this, but would you two just listen to Weasley?

__

Ron: Oh, that'd be a cheerful visit. Hello, Hagrid, tell us, have you been setting anything big and hairy loose in the castle lately?

DRACO: (Snickers appreciatively) That was quite good, Weasley.

  
RON: Thank you. (shock, awe, horror) There's a very long pause there, like none of us know what to say.

DRACO: I think that's why there's a long pause there.

  
RON: Oh. Right.

__

Harry: What's that you've got there, Hagrid?  
  
DRACO: (snort) Way to change the subject, Potter.

__

Hagrid: Hello, Neville.

Neville: I don't know who did it, but you've got to come. Come on!

DRACO: (muttering) Great big lump.

__

Harry's room is in ruins; things strewn about all over the place. 

Ron: Whoever it was, they must have been looking for something.

Harry: They found it. Tom Riddle's diary is gone.

DRACO: DUN DUN DUN!!!!!

  
DUMBLEDORE: (calmly) Draco.

DRACO: Sorry.

****

Harry and Ron exchange glances, trying to hold back laughter. Whether they were laughing because of what Draco said, or the fact that he got in trouble, is unknown.

PANSY: OLIVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! (looks around frantically for Ginny and Hermione) They're missing him!

****

  
Hermione and Ginny, as if on cue, burst back into the theater; perhaps they had heard Pansy's shriek before. They rush to their seats, their faces flushed; it looks as if Ginny has been crying.

PANSY: Right on time! LOOK! He's even hotter than before when he was on!

HERMIONE: (seriously) I don't…think…that's possible.

PANSY: Oh, no, it is.

  
DRACO: It definitely is. (Ron and Harry stare at him). I get hotter each time someone sees me, as well.

  
PANSY: (patting Draco's hand condescendingly) Yes, you do, Draco.

__

Oliver: Well, that too. Professor McGonagall?  
McGonagall: This match has been canceled.

Oliver: You can't cancel Quidditch!

HERMIONE: Oh! Look how sad he is!  
  
GINNY: I would really like to give him a hug.

PANSY: (gleefully) I'd like to give him more than that!

****

All the girls burst into quiet giggles; the boys stare at them oddly. The teachers continue to ignore them, probably feeling it's best to let them get on with it instead of bothering to stop them.

__

McGonagall: You and I will find Mr. Weasley. I think there is something you should see.

DRACO: What's happening?  
  
RON: This is when Hermione got petrified, I think.

__

  
HARRY: (looking curiously at Hermione to make sure she's alright) Yeah, it was horrible.

HERMIONE: Not nearly as horrible as those blasted Muggles cutting out my most important scene in that last movie.

RON: You're STILL going on about that? (rolls eyes)  
  
HERMIONE: You would be, too, if it were YOUR scene. And YOUR shining moment.

RON: Well, luckily it's not. All my shining moments are in the films. (huffy breath)

HERMOINE: Oh, do shut up.

DRACO: Right on.

HERMIONE: You shut up, too.

DRACO: (seriously) Make me.

HERMIONE: I just might.

DRACO: (wiggles eyebrows, grinning) Well, alright, then.

__

Harry: I think it's time to get my dad's old cloak out again.

DRACO: (miserably) Yes, let's rub that in my face some more.

__

Harry: Hagrid, are you okay?  
Hagrid: I'm fine. I'm fine.

GINNY: (Sadly) Poor Hagrid.

__

Ron: That's dad's boss, Cornelius Fudge! The Minister of Magic!

DRACO: An idiot if I ever saw one.

DUMBLEDORE: Now, now Draco.

SNAPE: He's only speaking the truth, Headmaster.

  
McGONAGALL: Be that as it MAY, he shouldn't be saying it at all. He has to be respectful of his elders.

DRACO: How did you know I wasn't talking about Weasley?

****

The teachers all exchange looks of varying degrees of curiosity.

DUMBLEDORE: Because you would have said it with more of a sneer.

SNAPE: It was obvious you were speaking of the Minister.

Draco sneers, laughs and turns his attention back to the movie.

HARRY: Your dad is such an arse.

SNAPE: Language.

McGONAGALL: (mimicking him) He's only speaking the truth.

DUMBLEDORE: (clears throat) Severus. Minerva.

****

Ron, Draco, Harry, Hermione, Pansy and Ginny all laugh silently.

DRACO: (laughing) Fudge has no idea what's going on. That's not unusual, but still. He probably thinks everyone around him is going mad. 

HARRY: This is the first time I agree with you.

RON: I don't think that it is.

HERMIONE: No, you've agreed with him before.

  
HARRY: Kill me now.

DRACO: With pleasure.

****

Harry sticks his tongue out at Draco; Draco merely shrugs.

__

Ron: Spiders? Why can't it be follow the butterflies?

  
**Everyone in the entire theater laughs; more prominently is Ron.**

RON: I'm so witty.

DRACO: (rolls eyes) Sometimes.

HERMIONE: (raises an eyebrow) You're awfully out of character with that.

DRACO: (shrug) I've got to change it up once in a while. I wouldn't want people being able to guess what I was going to say before I even say it. (wink)  
  
HERMIONE: Don't wink at me.

DRACO: (wink)  
  
HERMIONE: Draco.

DRACO: Yes? (wink)

HERMIONE: Stop it.

DRACO: You know you love it. (wink)

HERMIONE: (giggles) I don't.

DRACO: (wink) Yes you doooooo.

GINNY: I am so disturbed right now.

PANSY: Me, too.

RON: You two are? I think I need a barfing cap or whatever they're called.

HARRY: Barf bag.

RON: Right.

DRACO: (Winks) We should take this outside.

HERMIONE: (stops giggling; looks at him sternly) No.

  
RON: Have you got something in your eye?

DRACO: No.

RON: (reaches towards him) Come on, let's have a look.

DRACO: (bats his hand away) I do not have anything in my eye, Weasley! I'm macking on your girlfriend.

RON: (odd look) She isn't my girlfriend. (sits back in seat) Macking? What?

DRACO: (sigh) Never mind.

Ginny gives Hermione 'a look' which causes Hermione to blush quite deeply. Draco winks at her again, this time with more gusto.

RON: You must have gotten something in your eye. Let me look.

DRACO: Stop it, Weasley.

RON: I'm only trying to help.

DRACO: Well, don't.

RON: Well, I won't, then.

DRACO: Good.

  
RON: Fine.


	8. Hotness Causes A Lot Of Things

Muggle Movies 2: The Chamber

Part Eight: Hotness Causes Many Things

Ron is tugging on Harry's sleeve. 

Ron: I don't like this…I don't like this at all.

Harry: Shush.

RON: Well, that was rude.

HARRY: Sorry, but you were annoying me.

RON: (shrugs) Understandable.

GINNY: (looking pale) Good Lord, look at all those spiders.

HERMIONE: You're not scared of them too, are you? Because if you are---  
  
RON: You should leave right now. In fact, I think I will. (gets up)  
  
HARRY: You've lived through this. Are you telling me you can't SIT through it? 

RON: (gulps and sits back down) Fine. But I may need that barf bag after all. (looks at Ginny) Do you want one, too?  
  
GINNY: No, I'm fine. I'll just throw up on Malfoy.

DRACO: EWWWWW! NO! DON'T! (throws arms over head to protect hair)

GINNY: That's right, do be careful of your hairdo.

__

Harry: You're Aragog, aren't you?

HERMIONE: Aragorn? What did he say?

RON: AraGOG. 

MALFOY: This is not Lord of the Rings, Granger.

HERMIONE: (Slight gasp) You know Lord of the Rings?

MALFOY: Well, yeah, who doesn't?

PANSY: What is Lord of the Rings? It sounds dreadfully boring.

  
HERMIONE: They're books by J.R.R. Tolkien. And movies. The movies have a lot of attractive males in them.

PANSY: (excited) Like Sean Biggerstaff?

HERMIONE: (considering this) Yes, but many more than just Sean Biggerstaff. I should think you'd enjoy Orlando Bloom as Legolas. I, myself, prefer the hobbits.

RON: (angrily) You guys are missing the car scene! Pay attention! Wow. What a narrow escape!

DRACO: (rolls eyes) Weasley…oh, never mind. I haven't enough energy to muster a put down.

HERMIONE: That's a first.

DRACO: Well, there's a first time for everything.

GINNY: Would you two stop with the innuendos, please? You're making me ill, and I'm already ill from having to watch myself be controlled by bloody Tom Riddle.

  
DUMBLEDORE: (kindly) You may leave, Miss Weasley, if this bothers you at all. I'm sure someone will accompany you outside.

GINNY: (blushes) Oh, no, I'm fine. Thank you.

Lockhart: Books can be misleading.

Harry: You wrote them!

  
DRACO: What a twit. Lockhart, not Harry. (pause) Wait. Harry is a twit, also, but…oh whatever. 

HARRY: You must be tired.

DRACO: Only bored from having to watch your newest escapade.

HARRY: I'm sure it's dreadful for you.

DRACO: It is. Imagine you having to watch a DRACO MALFOY movie.

HARRY: True. I'd probably throw up.

DRACO: I'm doing rather well, then, wouldn't you say?  
  
HARRY: I suppose so.

RON: Why doesn't everyone shut up and watch the movie? I'm trying to concentrate.

DRACO: (seriously) You're way too much involved. 

HERMIONE: I hate to admit it, but he's right, Ron. Maybe you should calm down a bit.

RON: (high voice) How can I? I look so bloody brilliant!

__

Moaning Myrtle: Hello, Harry. (giggle)

DRACO: Good God, Potter. Another admirer. Don't you ever tire of it?  
  
PANSY: You have the same amount, Draco, and you never tire of it.

DRACO: So true.

HARRY: (rolls his eyes) Oh, come off it.

Harry: This is it. This is it, Ron. I think this is the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets.

DRACO: (annoyed) You think? Get on with it, for God's sake.

McGONAGALL: Malfoy. Just be quiet and watch the film.

SNAPE: Why is he not allowed to comment, when Weasley and Potter keep nattering?

McGONAGALL: (rolls eyes) Oh, I don't know. Just take some points off.

SNAPE: I thought we'd agreed not to do that this time, since it gave us headaches.

McGONAGALL: Yes, that is right. Well. We'll continue to ignore them all, then.

SNAPE: Good plan.

****

All the students gape; they had assumed the professors were asleep, as they hadn't said anything for quite sometime.

Lockhart's charm backfires, causing a bit of the roof to cave in. 

__

Ron: HARRY! HARRY!  
Harry: Ron! Ron, are you okay!?

DRACO: Once again I commend the writers of this film on their work. However, they are probably just going by what really happened…and we all know that Weasley and Potter are not exactly poets.

Lockhart: (wakes up) Hello. Who are you?  
Ron: Um…Ron Weasley.

Lockhart: really? And, em, who am I?

Ron: (yelling) Lockhart's memory charm backfired!

Lockhart: It's an odd sort of place, isn't it? Do you live here?

Ron: No. (hits Lockhart over the head with a rock.) What do I do now?  
  
GINNY: RUN LIKE THE WIND!

__

  
DRACO: Yes, quite. That Lockhart is such a dolt. I always knew that about him. He is very incompetent and shouldn't have been allowed to teach.

Ginny is lying on the ground, apparently unconscious. Harry races to her side.

Harry: Wake up.

Tom Riddle: She won't wake.

Harry: Is she--?

Tom: She's still alive, but only just.

GINNY: I know this is horrible of me to say, but he is so hot. Even in real life, as he was, you know, killing me and everything, I couldn't help but notice how attractive he is.

DRACO: You know, that bird looks like an old sock with sewn on wings and a beak. It's rather ugly.

HARRY: In real life, it's beautiful.

DRACO: Sadly, not on screen. Did you lend them an old sock?

  
HARRY: No. I heard they were going to use one of yours, but it was too smelly.

__

Harry: We have to get out of here. There's a basilisk---

Tom: It'll only come when it's called.

GINNY: Blah. Blah. Blah. (hides face) I don't think I can watch this basilisk thing.

__

Tom writes in air with wand. (Tom Marvolo Riddle - I am Lord Voldemort)

DRACO: I've always wondered what kind of a name Marvolo is.

HERMIONE: Probably a family one.

DRACO: Yes, I imagine so.

RON: So your middle name is Marvolo, then?

  
DRACO: (sneer) No.

Harry: Albus Dumbledore is the greatest sorcerer who ever lived!

DUMBLEDORE: So kind of him to say.

RON: Here comes Fawkes! With the sorting hat! This is getting good!

DRACO: You know, Tom has a point, even though he's completely mad. You'd think Dumbledore could send a bit more than a songbird and an old hat. Although, obviously Tom hasn't a clue what he's talking about, since phoenixes are very mystical creatures, and the sorting hat is obviously a bit more helpful than I ever gave it credit for.

****

Ron, Harry, Hermione and Ginny stare at him in shock.

DRACO: What?

Tom Riddle: Your bird may have blinded the basilisk, but it can still hear you!

DRACO: (rolls eyes) Talk about stating the obvious.

GINNY: Yes, but look how lovely he is. Tom, not the basilisk. That thing is ugly.

  
HERMIONE: (sigh) He is rather lovely, for an evil person.

DRACO: It happens, you know. Evilness is sometimes more attractive. 

GINNY: Sometimes, sure.

__

The basilisk jumps out of the water, screeching.

Ginny, Hermione and Pansy all jump; the boys, sans Ron, look bored. Ron looks riveted.

DRACO: That thing is so fake.

PANSY: Well, duh, but it was still loud. (Bites nails) I hope Potter watches his step up there on that ledge.

DRACO: Since he's sitting right there, it sort of ruins the surprise ending, when he continues to be the Boy Who Lived, and not the Boy Who Was Eaten By A Dirty Great Snake.

RON: It'd be better if you came up with something snappier.

  
DRACO: I know, but I can only be the best about 99% of the time. The other 1% is me being average. (shudder) Horrendous.

__

Tom: Stop! No!  
Harry stabs basilisk fang into diary. Tom disappears.

GINNY: (Squeak) NO!

HERMIONE: (puts hand comfortingly on Ginny's arm.) It'll be okay. It's for the better.

GINNY: I know. But it's like living it all over again. Only not.

DRACO: That was some nice special effects. I didn't know Muggles had it in them.

HARRY: Me either.

RON: Wicked.

__

Harry: Ginny.

Ginny: Harry. It was me. I swear, I didn't mean to. Riddle made me. And, Harry, you're hurt.

Harry: Don't worry. Ginny, you need to get yourself out.

DRACO: He says that a lot.

GINNY: He was very sweet, though.

RON: (wiping away tears) Oh, Harry…you saved my sister, and----(hugs Harry) You were brilliant.

HARRY: (awkwardly patting Ron on the back) Er, it was nothing.

__

Harry: (smile) It's only a memory.

DRACO: (annoyed) Sweet.

RON: (sniffs) How brilliant.

Everyone flies out of the Chamber on Fawkes's tail.

Lockhart: Amazing! This is just like magic!

DRACO: It IS magic, you arse.


	9. The End Again

Muggle Movies 2: The Chamber

Part Nine: The End…Again

RON: It's over, then. Let's go get some more popcorn and then head back. (gets up)  
  
HARRY: (pulls him down) It's not over, yet.

RON: (looks back at the screen; blushes) Oh. Right. Woops.

  
DRACO: He just wants more popcorn.

RON: (hotly) So what if I do?

HERMIONE: In Ron's defense, it sort of did look like it ended.

DRACO: (considering this) Yes, I suppose it did.

  
RON: (rolls eyes) You only say that because you want to get into Hermione's skirt.

HARRY: I think the phrase is 'into her pants' but I'll let this one slide.

GINNY: You didn't let it slide.

HARRY: (sighs) I tried to.

RON: (changing subject) Oh, look, there's Dumbledore's office, again. Brilliant place.

DRACO: (blandly) Potter's the heir of Gryffindor. Shocking.

HERMIONE: That's not what it means, actually. At this point in time, they don't know he's the heir.

HARRY: (giving her a Look) They don't know that now, either.  
  
HERMIONE: (quietly) Right.

DRACO: The sword means he's a true Gryffindor, then? Well, I knew that. It's obvious, as he's so goody-goody.

HARRY: Oh, shut up.

__

Lucius: Let's hope he's always around to save the day.

Harry: Don't worry. I will be.

PANSY: (fanning self) Well, that was hot.

DRACO: Don't stoop down to that level, Pans. (looks at Ginny) No offense.

  
GINNY: (shrugs) None taken. I don't care what you think.

DRACO: My father's a bit of a prick in this film.

RON: In real life, too, in case you hadn't noticed.

DRACO: (cheerfully) No, I noticed. I just don't say things like that because they'll get me killed.

PANSY: Reason enough, I say.

DRACO: Thank you.

__

Harry hands diary to Lucius; Lucius hands it to Dobby; Dobby pulls sock out of it.

Dobby: Dobby is FREE!

HERMIONE: (teary) Awww! That's so fantastic. Harry, you're so sweet!

HARRY: (blushes) Erm. Thanks.

__

Harry pulls up pantleg revealing sock-less foot.

Lucius: You've lost me my servant, boy!

DRACO: Father was terribly cross that day.

RON: More cross than usual? How can you tell, exactly?  
  
DRACO: It's in the eyes, mostly.

GINNY: (bored) Do you think Oliver will be on again?  
  
PANSY: God, I hope so.

__

Lucius: Avada K----  
Dobby: Master will not harm Harry Potter.

DRACO: Forceful little bugger.

  
HERMIONE: (Scowling) Rightly so. Your family treated him like bloody vermin.

DRACO: Well, that's what house elves are, Granger.

HERMIONE: (angrily) DRACO MALFOY!

  
SNAPE: Shhhhh.

McGONAGALL: You could get up off your bum, Severus, and escort Malfoy out of here. If he were gone, there would be no problems at all.

  
DUMBLEDORE: (placidly) Oh, look. It's the end of the year feast.

Sir Nicolas: Welcome back, Miss Granger.

Hermione runs to Ron and Harry, who look extremely happy.

  
DRACO: (blankly) That's sweet.

Hermione and Ron are about to hug, but shake hands instead, both looking uncomfortable.

DRACO: I hope I don't detect some sexual tension.

RON: Not in real life. The films completely make that up. It's ridiculous.

HERMIONE: It really is most distressing.

DRACO: (raises eyebrows) When will they depict our sexual escapades?  
  
HERMIONE: (monotone) Never.

PANSY: I think I see Oliver!  
  
GINNY: (jumps awake) Where?

PANSY: Maybe that wasn't him. Maybe it was that Neville boy with his toad.

GINNY: They don't look a thing alike.

PANSY: No, but the hair is the same shade.

GINNY: (rolls eyes) Neville is about six feet shorter.

HERMIONE: (seriously) More like a foot shorter.

****

Ginny and Pansy give Hermione annoyed looks and turn back to the screen; the boys all sigh simultaneously.

RON: (wiping away tears) That was so sweet. Hagrid's so brilliant.

****

Draco's so bored and annoyed, he doesn't even bother responding.

HARRY: That was kind of a crap ending.

RON: Yeah. I wish they'd have shown us getting back onto the train and going to the station, where Mr. Dursley was waiting for you, looking all purple and annoyed. He's good fun to mess with.

  
HARRY: (nods) Very.

DRACO: That's it, then? (stands up as the lights go up in the theatre) Let's get out of this place before I kill myself.

HERMIONE: Don't be so dramatic.

  
GINNY: Can we go see that Lord of the Ring thing now?

DUMBLEDORE: I'm afraid we must get back.

RON: I hope we don't have to write a paper on our trip this time.

McGONAGALL: It only has to be 5,000 words, Mr. Weasley.

SNAPE: In my house it'll be 300 words.

McGONAGALL: (rolls eyes) Oh, please.

****

Everyone is now outside the theatre; Ron and Harry are looking at the list of other movies playing while Hermione tells Ginny about LOTR over by the LOTR poster. Pansy goes over to join them. Ginny and Draco are standing by themselves with the teachers.

DRACO: What'd you think, Weasley?

GINNY: (shrugs) I didn't care for it, really.

DRACO: The only thing I like is that the actor who plays me is good looking.

GINNY: Yes, well he is.

****

Draco winks.  
  
HERMIONE: (walking up to them) Oh, dear God. Don't start that now.

DUMBLEDORE: This way. Come along, Harry, Ron. Porkey this way.

RON: (to Harry) I wish we could see a Bond film or something before we go.

  
HARRY: (whispering) Maybe we'll sneak back someday.

DRACO: (winks at Hermione) You know you love it.

HERMIONE: I honestly don't.

DRACO: (winks at Pansy) Pansy does. Don't you?  
  
PANSY: (Shrug) I'd prefer if your actor winked at me, actually. (Catches up to Hermione and Ginny.) When does the third movie come out?

HERMIONE: I don't know. Sometime in the next few years, probably.

PANSY: I'd like to see it now.

HERMIONE: (sighs) So would I, Pansy. So would I.

The End

-------------

(A Rather Long) Author's Note:

I would like to say thank you to those of you who have supported me throughout this difficult endeavor. When I started Muggle Movies (1) I honestly didn't think I'd have trouble writing a second one. Obviously, I hadn't counted on things going horribly wrong in my normal life. Luckily things are back on track (sort of) so I had time to finish this off. 

Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, I honestly appreciate getting feedback of all sorts. Most especially those raving about how good this story is. (LOL) Those of you who didn't rave, but complained about how long it took me to finish this, I don't thank you, because it mostly made me not want to continue at all, but I don't blame you for being angry/annoyed. I would have been, as well.

I'm sure there will be a Muggle Movies 3, but I haven't yet made any sort of plan for it. I'm really excited for POA, though, so I'm sure if there is an MM3, then it'll be finished in time for GOF to come out.

All seriousness aside now: WOOOOOOHOOOO! It's finished! AT LAST!

I really would like to thank everyone individually who've helped me along, but I can't because the list would be FAR too long, so I'll just say that any of you who reviewed with suggestions and praise, it's all thanks to you that I even bother writing. (At least in the HP fandom.) And you all ROCK.


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